It's been 3 months since my last update. I haven't written about my several "immersions" I've made since then but I can speak of them. I'm in the process of one that I'd like to write about. As I started reading the book that was going to guide me through this process, I decided to put it down and let life take its course.
Lately I've been the happiest I've been in almost 3 years. I'm off medication. I have therapy on hold. I just graduated with my masters degree. And I'm planning an adventure for the summer on my own. But before I get into my present life I wanted to share what has gotten me through and how in the heck I'm so happy.
After writing my last post I decided to share in my trauma class as a personal narrative. Sharing it to my cohort of 30+ friends/therapist I felt a huge sense of relief because I was no longer carrying it with me. Although my narrative had more personal details, I no longer felt enslaved to it. It felt like a confession of my mistakes as well as letting go of the pain inflicted by others. They were no longer any secrets.
After I shared in class I felt more supported from a lot of friends. They began to get a bigger picture of the crap I'd been carrying. Instead of turning the other way, a genuine sense of care was the response from a community that I've neglected.
I've also been blessed to have amazing friends and family outside the cohort. Yet, all them put together = THE BEST SUPPORT anyone could have.
There was a friend to call at night when my emotions stirred like crazy.
There was a friend to organize my thoughts about my last conversation.
There was friend who showed me to vent by swimming together.
There was a friend who fed me when I didn't have an appetite for days.
There was a friend who texted me throughout the day.
There was a friend who occasionally drove long distances to keep me company.
There was friends who lend me their couch to sleep on.
There was a friend who taught me assertiveness and the value I have.
There was a friend who made me laugh when I had no desire.
There was a family who laid hands on me to pray.
There was a brother who sent me the best message when I most needed it.
There was a sister who was my cheerleader when I didn't have the strength.
There was a professor who listened and encouraged.
There was a sermon that reaffirmed me of God's grace.
There were guy friends who'd kick ass for me.
There was a dance floor that I finally danced at without feeling sorry.
There was a supervisor that allowed me to be in pain but refused to let me stay in it.
There was Christ represented in every way, shape, and form...
throughout a community I've neglected for 1 year and a half, but welcomed me back with arms wide open. Christ has been so real to me through this community.
I told my closest friends the deep and ugly secrets that kept me bondage to a relationship that was never meant to be. But today I look back, praising God for it because without I'd never be as happy as I am now. My cousin at graduation told me "you look happy... genuinely happy." It left me in a bit of a shock for a sec. I never realized I didn't look happy.
Some kept asking where I've been because they've recently seen the change in me. I feel as if the real me is finally out!
(I'm aware of my anger right now, but heck! who wouldn't be? I'm OK with being angry right now. I feel the right to be. I don't want to stay this way forever but I'd rather let it out and let it go day by day vs. keeping it in.)
