3rd Immersion: Joy vs. Anger

Growing up I've had a hard time choosing Joy vs. being angry for what I went through.
Since going off to college my anger has lessened.
But for this past month it has been a real struggle again.


Few memories still linger
Some of the pain is still slowly detaching
and I HATE IT
But like a friend told me, time does heal


Amidst of all of that has happened, I was still finding myself being sucked into it.
Questioning and doubting God
Slowly I felt like I was being pulled into a tornado of anger.


An anger that made me cry, made me want to scream, and I keep having this urge to shoot something.
I wanted to physically destroy the indestructible
I want to jump out of this crappy immersion of turning anger into joy.
I felt tired and the easy thing for me to do is to get angry.


During one my devotions I came across this:
" Many of us have bought the lies of the enemy, allowing him to steal our joy. Discouragement, weariness, disillusionment, shattered dreams and unrealized goals are some of his favorite weapons, but the truth is that the enemy can only use what we allow him to use. 


It is time for us to reclaim surrendered ground. Do you sometimes think you are fighting the same old battles you have been fighting for years? I do. Clinging to familiar pain, we find our identity there. Consumed with our own agenda, joy is buried under a mountain of self.

Joy is not the result of outward circumstances. Joy is an inside job, a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control. Every trial or loss, every defeat or victory measured against this confidence can be counted as joy. 

We cannot avoid pain but we can avoid joy. The pursuit of joy is a matter of choice. Our inward perspective does not have to reflect our outward circumstances. We can choose joy!"

While I read this for the first time I think I just got more angry because it meant that being joyful, in my case, wasn't going to be something that would instantly be in my heart/mind. It's something that I have to work to have. 

So for about a week I FORCED myself to be joyful because if I wasn't consciously choosing to have joy, I was giving the enemy more to work with. I have been in caught in that tornado of anger that is made up of a false identity that the enemy wants me to believe I have. It occurs when I forget to place my confidence in Christ.

Finding joy through Christ when life sucks is an unpleasurable journey. I tend to find my own pleasures in life, a shortcut by getting out of the dirty river and finding my own solution for healing. But this time I'm pushing through. 

Lately my devotionals have been about anger. 

I'm learning that anger is an emotion that warns me when something is not right. 

I have been hurt, obviously, but I like being in this stage. 

It has given me the opportunity to express myself without the tight Christian boundaries that tell me to stay calm. 

It's been an excellent excuse to do whatever I want and say whatever I want. 

But lately it has been controlling me and not allowing God to speak to me. 

Anger is not a sin. But I want to be able to express it in a right way and let it be a tool for good.

Tips for learning how to control anger:

1. "Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”

If we are busy, it is much easier to ignore or refuse to face and deal with the real source of anger. Anger that is not dealt with in the right way accumulates over time, allowing bitterness to take root and rage to simmer just below the surface of everything we do, say, think or feel. In order to manage anger, we need to incorporate frequent and regular “stops” into our schedules; time set aside to simply be still and hear the voice of God."

My plan for this week is to take 5 min life break and set alone time to be still and listen to God and journal, draw, watercolor, or just sit there. 

I hope that God shows me the root(s) of my anger.

I hope to be free from them.

I hope to make it a routine to do life 5 min life break to improve my relationship with God and others. 

And I hope to choose joy

Burn the Crap Ceremony

My housemates and I had a burn the crap ceremony.

It was great!

It's not longer under my bed.

It's gone!

thanks Tam for the pics :)

2nd Immersion: Community

It's been 3 months since my last update. I haven't written about my several "immersions" I've made since then but I can speak of them. I'm in the process of one that I'd like to write about. As I started reading the book that was going to guide me through this process, I decided to put it down and let life take its course.


Lately I've been the happiest I've been in almost 3 years. I'm off medication. I have therapy on hold. I just graduated with my masters degree. And I'm planning an adventure for the summer on my own. But before I get into my present life I wanted to share what has gotten me through and how in the heck I'm so happy.


After writing my last post I decided to share in my trauma class as a personal narrative. Sharing it to my cohort of 30+ friends/therapist I felt a huge sense of relief because I was no longer carrying it with me. Although my narrative had more personal details, I no longer felt enslaved to it. It felt like a confession of my mistakes as well as letting go of the pain inflicted by others. They were no longer any secrets. 


After I shared in class I felt more supported from a lot of friends. They began to get a bigger picture of the crap I'd been carrying. Instead of turning the other way, a genuine sense of care was the response from a community that I've neglected.


I've also been blessed to have amazing friends and family outside the cohort. Yet, all them put together = THE BEST SUPPORT anyone could have.


There was a friend to call at night when my emotions stirred like crazy.
There was a friend to organize my thoughts about my last conversation.
There was friend who showed me to vent by swimming together.
There was a friend who fed me when I didn't have an appetite for days.
There was a friend who texted me throughout the day.
There was a friend who occasionally drove long distances to keep me company.
There was friends who lend me their couch to sleep on.
There was a friend who taught me assertiveness and the value I have.
There was a friend who made me laugh when I had no desire.
There was a family who laid hands on me to pray.
There was a brother who sent me the best message when I most needed it.
There was a sister who was my cheerleader when I didn't have the strength.
There was a professor who listened and encouraged.
There was a sermon that reaffirmed me of God's grace.
There were guy friends who'd kick ass for me.
There was a dance floor that I finally danced at without feeling sorry.
There was a supervisor that allowed me to be in pain but refused to let me stay in it.
There was Christ represented in every way, shape, and form...
throughout a community I've neglected for 1 year and a half, but welcomed me back with arms wide open. Christ has been so real to me through this community.


I told my closest friends the deep and ugly secrets that kept me bondage to a relationship that was never meant to be. But today I look back, praising God for it because without I'd never be as happy as I am now. My cousin at graduation told me "you look happy... genuinely happy." It left me in a bit of a shock for a sec. I never realized I didn't look happy.


Some kept asking where I've been because they've recently seen the change in me. I feel as if the real me is finally out!


(I'm aware of my anger right now, but heck! who wouldn't be? I'm OK with being angry right now. I feel the right to be. I don't want to stay this way forever but I'd rather let it out and let it go day by day vs. keeping it in.)

1st Immersion

The Highly respected General Naaman (2 Kings 5) was a leper. He was told that the prophet Elisha of Samaria could heal him. Naam traveled to where Elisha lived. Elisha sent out a servant with a message to Naam. The servant greeted Naam and told him to immerse himself 7 times in the muddy Jordan River. Naaman became infuriated. He refused to. He protested for an easy and quick restoration. No one had ever been healed of leprosy and instead of being grateful for a plan he rejected it.

“God's ways are not our ways. His ways transcend human reasoning, and we will not know why God chose certain things to happen the way they happened until we land in heaven. We come to believe that God wants us to be instantly healed, and sometimes we demand it, but that is usually not the case. God rarely provides an instant fix to our problems, because it does little to change our hearts or grow our characters. As a result, we either stay stuck in our difficult lives or finally decide to do things God's way -or we at least come to believe that our way may not be the best way.... There is evidence in Scripture that God sometimes offers a strange path toward healing that is easy to resist or reject outright."

(Arterburn, Stephen (2005). Healing is a Choice)

I was in Naam’s spot for a long time. I kept waiting for God to send a miracle to fix my problems. He kept giving me the answer and I refused to accept it. Finally He had to make a hard decision and knew that it would hurt. In order for me to heal I had to decide to get in the “dirty river”.

I didn't want to jump in the river because it would be a hard process. I didn’t want to take the time to heal especially when it meant I was going to be in pain, grieving, sad, and perhaps a lone. Yet, I have a lot of junk that I need to leave in the river. God wants to clean me.

I can easily get out of the river and to tell you the truth I've done it at least twice now. I kept refusing to follow God's plan so I could continue to follow my plan. I denied it but it just hurt more.

I believe I have begun the process. The first immersion consisted of prayer, seeking God’s promises in His Word, self-inventory, reaching out to others, asking for forgiveness, seeking profession help, and beginning medication.

I don’t know how long I will be in the river but I plan to endure it until God leads me out. I wanted to open this blog to invite others to help and keep me accountable to stay in this river and remind me to immerse in the river when needed.